What I've Learned

1). A miscarriage is a death. So many times in the past I have heard people, friends of mine, strangers, my mother-in-law even, say that they have miscarried. My thoughts of the incident were generally sorrowful but short. Let the record show that my reaction to the loss of a pregnancy has changed, dramatically.


2). The children I have, here in my house on this earth, trump all. Do you think it is ironic that our children are sometimes the only reason we feel like going on? Work with me here. We find out we will be blessed with a child. We are joyful. They arrive. We provide for them. We, essentially, keep them alive (feeding them, bathing them, etc). But are there not times that we feel like they keep us alive. "I had a bad day at work...I just want to go home and hold my baby." Does anybody get that? Moving on.

3). Constipation after surgery, of any sorts, is the pits. Just thought I would share!

4). I could not have done this without my bff's, i.e. ice cream, cakes, sweet tea, donuts, sweet cards, and hugs. I mean it when I say I have the best friends in the world, bar none!

5). When experiencing something as traumatic as loosing a child (unless you are family or the above mentioned bff's) I do not want to hear about your traumatic experience, that you don't really tell me about out of sincerity but only to make this about and not me. Just say, "Oh, I am sorry to hear about that." Don't say, "I know how you feel I have had 24 loses but you will get through it." I don't really care about your loss right now. I care about mine. Is that selfish? Well, sorry!

6). He may hide it pretty well, but my husband does have some compassion in his soul. Granted there are some rules you must abide by. For instance, he will hug you when you are sad but it will only last about 7 seconds. After that, he has something else he needs to get to! Or he will fix your dinner and your plate and clean up (most of it) but he will not fix your dessert, too! He really has amazed me that last few days with taking care of me. I am not sure that he has given himself time to grieve but he has certainly helped me.

7). The details of general anesthesia baffle me. How do I remember, so vividly, one moment and the next is nothingness? How do they know I will wake up (crying) in the recovery room? Is there a timer on my IV? I just don't get it but I like it!!

Okay, some of these are facetious and mean but some of them are genuine and real. I have truly learned so much through this. And, yes, I do still trust that my God has an enormous plan to make of it. He will show my in His time. Thank you for praying for me and my family during this time.

Safe

His Children

Remember that song you sang in church as a child, "Jesus Loves the Little Children"?

...All the children of the world

red and yellow, black and white

they are precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world.

He loves them when they are 8.

He loves them when they are 1.

He even loves them when their grown.

And He loves them when, even He, has to take them from us.

This is one of those times in life when I (surely I am not alone on this) do not necessarily feel His love. God knows how I feel so why should I hold back? He knows I have guilt. He knows I feel punished. He knows I am jealous and sad. He knows I am, maybe, relieved...but maybe not.

I sat in the OB office waiting and talking to God. I told Him, "this is your child. It has been from the get go. Do Your will and I will understand and I will trust you." HA! I think I was just trying to convince myself of these things. I don't know that I really meant them.

I am pretty sure all the blood rushed from my head to my feet and back up again when I saw the look on doc's face. "There is no heartbeat." It was cold. Or maybe it was hot. I don't remember. All I know is nothing can change her words.

The goal- do as I said. Trust Him. Love my babies that are here with me right now. And (try) to relax.

Heaven help me follow through.

A Busy Saturday

Playing with chainsaws (No, it is not opened. Don't you have any faith in my parenting skills?!)...

Riding 4 wheelers (He was going 2 miles an hour and only around the yard. No worries!)...

And cheering on my Vols!!!

This Time Around

It's.Been.Rough.

Is the second pregnancy always harder than the first? Well, let me clarify. You see, it is not necessarily pregnancy related illness. I have not had morning sickness. I have, so far, had no food aversions. No smells bother me. I am still very early so there is no swelling (yet!). The pregnant part of me is doing pretty well. But...

it is the other stuff that is kicking my butt!

The stomach virus that hit me hard, very hard.

or

The sinus infection that is going on two weeks now.

It is all very intensified and I don't like it.

But I do like to see these...

Can you tell anything from them, cuz I can't! But it does sort of legitimize things for me. You can probably see at the top of the ultrasound pictures where is says 9W3D. Well, doing this ultrasound revealed to us that we are not 9 weeks and 3 days into this. We went backwards. We are, officially, 7 weeks and 5 days. My new due date is October 30th. The lil' critter's heart rate was only 101 which my doc was ok with. We will do another ultrasound the first week of April and see how things look then.

I have some unjustified fears this time around. I don't know if it is because of Presley's congenital heart defect or if it is just that I know more things now then I did with her. Whatever the case I have to keep things in perspective. This is God handiwork and I can only accept it as a blessing.

When I Grow Up

Weak and Weary

You will have to forgive me if this post does not make each of you feel warm and fuzzy and smiling all over. I put on a good face. And most of the time it is truly not a front. 23 hours of the day I feel good about whatever God has brought upon us. Yes, I have started reading the book of Job in hopes to have better understanding of trials and sufferings of faithful people. But that doesn't mean that there won't be that moment of brokenness. That moment...

11:00 (ish) Sunday, March 7, 2010. Settled between a visiting teenager and Jim who happened to be spouse less too (both of our better halves were under the weather). Feeling the power of Christ all over having witnessed some sweet kiddos come forth in baptism (one being my nephew) and after worshipping my King through the first 4 songs. Within moments, tears were streaming down my face. I wasn't sad or mad or angry. They were literally empty tears, for the time being anyway.

The music started.

I was paying attention to where the offering plate was, not so much to the music. But I do love the song. Then someone transitioned my attention. The music was so up tempo and everyone was clapping and swaying with such happiness. Everyone except me. It was like God slowed the words down just for me. He boldly stated some of the lines as if He and I were the only two in the building...

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

I just wanna praise you

I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands

And I'm gonna praise you

I'm gonna praise you

In the corners of mind

I just can't seem to find a reason to believe

That I can break free

Cause you see I have been down for so long

Feel like the hope is gone

But as I lift my hands, I understand

That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

I just wanna praise you

I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands

And I'm gonna praise you

I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong

All went wrong at one time

So much pressure fell on me

thought I was gonna lose my mind

But I know you wanna see

If I will hold on through these trials

But I need you to lift this load

Cause I can't take it anymore

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

I just wanna praise you

I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands

And I'm gonna praise you

I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain

Bound in every kind of way

But God has broken every chain

So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

I just wanna praise you

I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands

And I'm gonna praise you

I'm gonna praise you

The Update of all Updates

• I am 8 weeks pregnant
• My baby girl is 1 year old
• Said baby girl has had a double ear infection and a stomach virus for the last week
• I lost my job...

That's the kicker! Yeah, my baby has been sick. That happens. Yeah, I am 8 weeks pregnant (and still have no insurance). That happens. But losing your job on top of all that. That just can't be happening to me.

But I am trying to find the positive of it all. I will soon have insurance, because I am pregnant and unemployed, through the state. I will have said insurance before my scheduled ultrasound next week! Plus, this time of year gets very busy what with baseball season starting and the weather getting warmer and I will be able to be home to keep things rolling!

What's my plan? I don't know. It doesn't really matter what my plan is...God is in control! He has a plan. My wheels have certainly been spinnin' though! Will it be a work-at-home opportunity or a home based child care facility? We shall see. But for now, prayers are appreciated.