His Children

Remember that song you sang in church as a child, "Jesus Loves the Little Children"?

...All the children of the world

red and yellow, black and white

they are precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world.

He loves them when they are 8.

He loves them when they are 1.

He even loves them when their grown.

And He loves them when, even He, has to take them from us.

This is one of those times in life when I (surely I am not alone on this) do not necessarily feel His love. God knows how I feel so why should I hold back? He knows I have guilt. He knows I feel punished. He knows I am jealous and sad. He knows I am, maybe, relieved...but maybe not.

I sat in the OB office waiting and talking to God. I told Him, "this is your child. It has been from the get go. Do Your will and I will understand and I will trust you." HA! I think I was just trying to convince myself of these things. I don't know that I really meant them.

I am pretty sure all the blood rushed from my head to my feet and back up again when I saw the look on doc's face. "There is no heartbeat." It was cold. Or maybe it was hot. I don't remember. All I know is nothing can change her words.

The goal- do as I said. Trust Him. Love my babies that are here with me right now. And (try) to relax.

Heaven help me follow through.