Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just Like That

In the blink of an eye your whole world could come crashing down on you. Or so it feels. You could have all the happiness one could ask for and lose it, just like that.

That is the way I feel about the life I have lost this year. The life of my unborn child. A girl. A girl whom, I believe, I will see one day in Heaven. I believe that God blesses us with the lives of children but they all truly belong to Him.

I did not plan to get pregnant this February. I had no intentions to have 2 children under the age of 2! My nerves couldn't take that. I had no more space in this starter home for another breathing, living soul. My time was consumed with the 2 children I had much less add another to the mix. My finances were beyond unstable. My plans were demolished though.

I got pregnant this February.

It took a while but I began to get excited. I shuffled all the ideas around in my head. I started thinking of options for names and color schemes and all that jazz. I began to like the idea of 2 kids under the age of 2. Crazy, I know! And just like that...

It was gone. I remember how cold the room was when my doctor walked in to tell me the news. I remember the stale look on her face. I remember her arms wrapped around me and her comforting words. Oh, and then the procedure. I felt so lifeless that day. And just like that...

She was gone.

She would've been here by now. October 30th to be exact. She would have a bedroom and a name. She may not have made it into this world but she sure has a place in my heart. God giveth and God taketh away and only He knows why. My experience will better someone else one day. My experience will speak through me. Maybe now, I don't know. I will forever be saddened by the baby that I have yet to meet. As I will forever be grateful for God's trust in me to handle a situation so unpleasant.


Sara said...

Oh, Beth. *hugs* I'm so sorry for your pain & the daughter you didn't get to meet.

Jessi said...

Praying for you Beth. Hugs.