Two weeks and counting...
There are times I find myself forgetting that surgery is so soon. I find myself thinking about plans for weekends to come and quickly return to the reality of life being put on hold for our precious baby girl.
I was so fascinated last night by Presley laughing at us. She is getting so big (not physically) so quick and time is going by so fast. It scares me in a way. I am frightened that surgery may slow her development down. What if she doesn't sit up until she is 8 months old because of this?? Why do I let my mind drift like that? Why can I not focus on the big picture, on the Creator of Life and the Rescuer of All? "Beth, God is in control" I try to convince myself that this will be easier than I think. That God is going to show me my true strength through this.
But still I find myself engulfed in sorrow and fearing for my baby's life. Is that realistic?? I suppose it is in a way..."there is chance that she may not survive". Those were the cold words the surgeon said three weeks ago. Tell me that sits well with you and I will tell you you have no heart! I drag in and out of each passing day just waiting on the inevitable. It will get here and I will feel however it is I am going to feel, ways I am sure I could not fathom at this point and ways that words will be unable to explain. I will pass my time with whatever it is that may help. I will assume my position by my baby's side and not leave unless nature calls!!
So, what can I tell you to expect from me in the next two weeks....
Lots and lots of pictures of my baby.
Lots and lots of emotions spilled out onto a blank page that you may or may not understand.
Lots and lots of prayers, yes, my own personal prayers will seep out into blog world.
My intention is to have someone update my blog on surgery day. I am not sure I would very comprehensible for those 5 hours.
Get ready, get set...let the countdown begin.
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